Naked in a Tanning Bed

I was reminded of my next story this weekend when my friend and I were talking about being knocked out. I told him I had been knocked out twice, which was my first mistake. I should have just said, "I've been knocked out," and left out the word "twice." He wanted to hear my stories, so I went into extreme detail of how I was knocked out by my friend, Mike, who ran into me while I was skiing. I figured if I talked long enough and told enough details, he would forget about the word "twice" and change the subject.

I wasn't so lucky. When I finished my story of being taken down the mountain by the ski patrol on a sled, he asked, "So, when was the second time you were knocked out?" Shoot, I sure do get myself into trouble (read my last post if you don't know what I'm talking about).

Now mind you, I was afraid to tell him this story for two reasons. First and foremost, it involves me being naked. Second, it involves a tanning bed, and I already knew how he felt about girls who fake and bake. However, I had no choice but to share my story.

A few winters ago, I decided I was a little too white for my liking. While heading into 24 Hour Fitness to work out, I saw a saw advertising unlimited tanning for a month for only $24.99. What a deal! If you know me at all, or have read any of my posts, you know me well enough to know that the word NO and DEAL do not go hand and hand with me. I tried my hardest to say NO to the DEAL, but all my mouth would say to the man at the desk is, "How can I sign up for the tanning DEAL?"

I was determined to get my money's worth, so I tanned every other day for the entire month. I got into a routine. I would tan for the first 10 minutes of my "workout" and then actually workout for the remainder of my time at the gym. I ALWAYS tanned first because I would get hot while in the bed.

Before I continue, I must explain that 24 Hour Fitness had these cool new high tech beds. They were actually stand-up beds, as in you had to stand up for your tan. You did not lie down in the bed like normal tanning places. It was kind of like a small shower, where the door opened, you stepped in, you shut the door, you hit the turn on button, and then you grabbed two handles above your head so your arms were up in the air. This was to avoid any weird tanning marks on your side. By having your arms in the air, your entire body was tanned evenly. Also, these beds were super high tech, which meant you could get the same tan in only 10 minutes instead of the lay down beds that took 20 minutes. They got hotter faster, but that meant more time was spent working out instead of tanning.

With that being said, I entered the gym one particular day to tan then work out. The man at the desk told me all the beds were full, and it was going to be 30 minutes before one was open. I told him that was fine; I would just work out first. So I did my 30 minute workout on the elliptical machine, and then headed to the tanning room.

Each bed had its own individual room, and of course, the door locked. It was completely private. I was already warm and sweaty from my workout, and the room itself was hot from the beds. I took my time undressing, and I even sat on the chair for a few minutes to cool down (don't worry, I still had my pants on). By this time, I was pretty hungry and thirsty and just wanted to get home, so I set the timer for 8 minutes, took off my remaining clothes, and stepped into the bed.

I was about four minutes into my tan when I started to feel woozy; I could tell that I was overheated, dehydrated and under-fed. I decided to tan for another minute or two before leaving for the day, so I mentally braced myself for another minute of heat. All of a sudden, I knew that I was going to pass out. I got dizzy, my head started to spin, and I knew that I needed to sit down ASAP. I reached for the door, and as it opened, I felt myself start to go black.

I came back to consciousness as soon as my head hit the hard floor. I hit the floor with such a hard thud that it actually un-knocked me out (is that possible?). I was lying naked on the floor (thank God it was a private room!), and I had a splitting headache. I had to lie there for a few minutes before I could even sit up. I was sick to my stomach, and I knew that my head was going to have a lump. When I was finally able to get up, I crawled to the chair and sat on it. I pulled the trash can over to me for fear I was going to throw up. It took me about 15 minutes to gain enough consciousness to get dressed and get out of that room. People were probably wondering what had happened inside that room.

I looked in the mirror, and sure enough, I had a giant lump on my forehead and cheek where my head had hit the floor, and my right cheek had a rug burn from sliding on the carpet. I was in bad shape. I looked like I had been in a fight, I was sick to my stomach, and I had a headache from hell.

I decided that story was only to be shared with me, myself, and I, so I didn't tell anyone that story for years. Enough time has passed since then that I tell that story with a laugh, but it most certainly was not a laughing matter at the time. I never tanned again after that incident.

As my friend asked me about my second story of being knocked out, I'm sure you can see why I hesitated to share with him. It's not like a naked woman lying in a tanning room because she passed out from the heat makes me look super attractive!

But I did what I had to do...I told him I was playing softball and was hit in the head with a bat. I mean, come on, which story is more attractive? Passing out in a tanning bed or passing out because I'm athletic, sporty and daring? You can't tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing...