What I Carry

In my 10th Grade class, we are reading The Things They Carried, which is a book about the Vietnam War. It is a great read if you're interested in this kind of book. The kids really enjoy it. The book is about the things the war veterans carried during the war, both physically (such as guns, ammo, canteens, etc) and figuratively (such as hate, pain, memories, guilt, etc). As a class we have been discussing the things we carry on a daily basis. Some are funny, such as good luck coins, humor, good memories, and jokes. However, some of the things my students carry on a daily basis are very serious, such as death, divorce, abuse, and pregnancies. The other day, I had my students write me a letter about what they carry. I wanted to return the favor to them, since they had trusted me with some of their burdens. I wrote this letter to them yesterday, and read it out loud to the entire class.
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To My One and Only 10th Grade English Class, whom I adore and enjoy teaching:

I wanted to write YOU a letter to share what I carry on a daily basis. You may find it cheesy. You might pretend to listen but fall asleep with your eyes open. You may laugh once or twice. You might find that you can relate to my story a little, or you might not be able to relate at all. But what I really hope is that you take away a little piece of me and a tid bit of information that might make you a better person in high school and beyond.

I carry fuzzy memories of high school. I remember bits and pieces of it, but I feel like there are four years of my life that I don’t remember well. There are a few events that stick out in my mind, such as the theatre productions I performed in or the music concerts and solos. I didn’t do sports in high school, although I think I would have been good at them. I didn’t play any instruments, but if I would have stuck to piano lessons, I would have been good at that. I didn’t write for the school newspaper or yearbook, although I went on to get a Journalism degree and have found that writing is my passion. I wasn’t popular, although I had a lot of friends. I was quiet, so people often labeled me for a snob. I was highly involved in my church youth group, so I often got made fun of for being the “good girl.”

College is clearer in my mind. I grew up a lot in college, and even ventured 2,000 miles away from my family and friends to go to school in Oregon. I remember specifically the day I had to choose what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I started out as a Physical Therapist major (pre-med). I had torn my ACL in high school, and I was fascinated by the science behind therapy. I was going to help one person at a time recover from injuries. So as a little freshman in college, I started taking Chem, Biology and as many other pre-med courses as I could. I quickly discovered I was TERRIBLE at science. My mind didn’t understand, and I got a C in Chem. After my first semester, I quickly changed my degree to English. I was no longer walking into the science building where I felt smart and motivated. I was now walking into the English building where everyone had their noses buried in books, glasses on the tips of their noses and an air of snobbishness about them. I didn’t really fit into this crowd, either. And I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT WANT TO BE A TEACHER. Everyone asked me, “If you don’t want to be an English teacher, then why are you getting a degree in English? What are you going to do with that degree?” Good question, and I didn’t have the answer. Once again, I met with my counselor to change careers for the third time. After looking at the classes I had already taken, which was an array of Science and English, she determined that Journalism might be good place to start. It sounded fun, and while I had little to no experience with writing other than high school English essays, I decided to take on the challenge.

I conquered that challenge, and became very good at writing and interviewing. I interviewed homeless people, I interviewed a candidate for City Council, and I wrote more newspaper articles than most people will read in their lifetime. I was good at writing, and I finally felt like I had found my calling in life. To make a long story short, I got a job in Denver to work for a magazine, so I packed up my life in NE and ventured off to the Mile High City. I worked for the magazine for six months, and then found myself without a job when the magazine went out of business. I found a job for Enterprise Rent a Car, and I was embarrassed to tell people where I worked. I had a Journalism degree for goodness sakes. I was good at writing, not at washing and renting cars! About three years into my career with Enterprise, I began to have a passion to teach. Less than five years out of college, and I wanted to change my career choice again!

And that’s just what I did. I found a Master’s program to get my teaching degree. It has not been an easy road to get here, but I am now here at Chatfield as an English teacher (despite my words almost 10 years ago when I said, “I do not want to be an English teacher!”). I’ve made my share of mistakes, too. When I administered a Journalism test last year, I failed to realize that the answers were all in a row. Almost every single student got 100% because they realized the answers went right down the line. A few students weren’t so bright to catch my mistake. And if you remember back just a short month ago, I mistakenly said something a tad inappropriate in this class. Do you remember my embarrassment as you all took what I said out of context?!?!

Believe me, I am not here because I love grading and reading essays. I am not here because I enjoy the politics that go along with teaching. I am not here because I enjoy picking up your trash and nagging you about homework.

I am here because of you. What ties us together is the fact that we have all lost someone we love. We have all experienced hurt, sometimes beyond repair. Life is not easy. I hear your stories of struggle, pain, hurt, guilt, broken families, broken hearts and broken lives and I get angry that someone as young as you has experienced more hurt than anyone should have to carry in a lifetime. You did not have to go to Vietnam to see a war, as your daily life is a war between family, school and friends. You might be like Tim O’Brien and lie when someone asks you about your war. You might be like Norman Bowker who just keeps doing the same routine over and over to avoid the hurt deep down inside. But I see a group of 22 AMAZING students who has found a way to survive, to go on.

Now that I am back in high school, I do not carry fuzzy memories. In a way, I am reliving my years as a high school student. But rather than being the quiet student who never said a word in class, I hope I am speaking up enough to make a difference in someone’s life. Yes, I am the uncool teacher who constantly assigns homework. I am ok with that. I am here to teach you English, and that’s what my job depends on, but I am also here to teach you life lessons. I am here to teach you responsibility. I am here to teach you how to get along with everyone, not just your best friends. I am here to teach you how to interact with people you may not know very well. I am here to prepare for that “real” world, and believe me, sometimes the real word sucks.

Do you want to know what I remember about high school? I remember my relationships with my teachers and friends. I remember the late nights with my friends jumping on the trampoline. I remember photo shoots with my girlfriends. I remember RELATIONSHIPS. I don’t remember a lot of what I learned in class, but I do remember certain teachers who took the time to get to know me. I remember very specific people, some whom I remain in contact with today, who reached out to me and saw not just a quiet girl but a girl with real potential. As I’ve read your journals, many of you are carrying around guilt, bad memories, good memories, laughs, and pain. I can see the pain in your eyes. But I hope you leave high school knowing you made a difference in someone’s life. And I hope you leave my class knowing that I cared for you, and I carry on a daily basis a joy to be here with you. My life would not be complete if I did not carry YOUR burdens and YOUR laughs with me on a day to day basis. In a sense, I kind of am like a Physical Therapist, only in a different way. I HOPE I am helping one person at a time recover from injuries.

Sincerely,
Ms. Nichols
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The response I got from my students was more than I could hope for. One girl stayed after class to talk to me. With tears streaming down her face, she told me of her broken family and how she sleeps at a different house every night. Her parents hate each other, and she has gotten caught in the middle.

Here are some other responses:

*I understand when you say you remember your relationships with your teachers and friends. it is hard to get up every morning and go do seven hours of work, but great teachers and great friends make it easier. I, too, think I will remember more about my teachers and friends than about what I learned in high school.

*I really appreciated your letter. It was nice getting to know the real you because before I just thought of you as Ms. Nichols, my English teacher. Now I am able to say that you actually really care about me. Right now I am doing terrible in your class, and I owe you an apology for that. I'm slacking because honestly I just don't know what's going on with me right now. I feel so overwhelmed with work and tests. I don't even know where to start. Your letter has inspired me to show you the real me. The me that loves English and loves to write. I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry and that you'll be seeing an improvement really soon.

*Ms. Nichols, that was a very inspiring and eye opening speech. I would like to know more about you.

*I was surprised to hear that you were very quiet. How were you able to change to a more talkative person?

*Out of all the things you've been through, if there was anything you could change, what would it be and why? Thanks for reading your letter to us. I enjoyed it and learned a lot about you (this comes from a kid who has been most difficult when dealing with).

*I really liked that yous aid that every one's life is a war. It proved to me that I'm not alone with what I am feeling.

*The most inspiring part of your essay was when you related the pain of our high school experiences to war. It shows us that each person has hurtful pain and memories like war veterans that we deal with every day of our lives. I also think it is incredibly inspiring that your goal was to aid injured people, and how you are now aiding our minds to a successful life. That is even more important than any injured muscle or bone.

*Have you ever lost a family member (his father died this past summer)?

*Right now, there's so much going on in my life that I can't handle. It's like everything is hitting me at once. This all very hard for me. When you kept changing your mind about what your career path would be, it reminded me of my everyday life. I can never decide what to do, or what I should or shouldn't do. I have so many people pulling me in every which direction that I don't even know who I am...

*Your letter was very inspiring. I can tell that you put a lot of thought into it and some humor as well.

*I think I can relate to how you described your high school experience. I tend to be quiet in class, too. I'm also made fun of for being too good. I don't swear, break school rules, or tell dirty jokes. Some people call me a "goody-two shoes," but other people like me because of it.

*Where does the patience to teach come from? You're making English more than a task; I can relate to it...FINALLY!

*I hope now and as I grow up that I am as caring and nice as you are. Thank you again for being such an awesome teacher, and I'm not just saying that to get a good grade in your class. Hehehe. You're definitely one of the best English teachers I will have in my life.

*I like how you open up to your students because not many teachers take the time to do that! You made it clear that you care for your students and their happiness. You have passion in your teaching.

*I love that I can relate to you about making an impression and making an impact on people's lives. You are an outstanding teacher and also one of the smartest I know. I have fun in your class, and it even gets me out of a bad mood some days. I'm impressed with the fact you take time to help and get to know your students, which means a lot to me because I don't get that from my teachers. Thank you for all your help. I appreciate it very much. Thanks Ms. Nichols! PS-That joke with the Great Gatsby made my entire life!